Significant Insignificance

This post was originally published at www.xanga.com/redroadhome on 4/7/06.

Me and my teams are losers. Well, at least for this year. A single moment will forever define Ohio State's 2005 football season in my mind: when Ryan Hamby dropped a touchdown pass at the beginning of the fourth quarter during their third regular-season game, forcing the Buckeyes to kick a field goal and miss out on four points. They lost to the soon-to-be national champion Texas team by three points. A similar moment broke the Lady Blue Devils season: when Alison Bales failed to block the game-tying shot with seven seconds less by an inch. Duke lost in overtime.

The effects of the smallest mistakes can certainly be so large as to determine the outcomes of extended battles and trials. When viewed on the wavelength of an entire life, though, applying such a statement seems an impossibility. Constantly considering how every "insignificant" action and decision can lead to success or failure would cause any normal person to be stuck in fear of coming consequences and unable to joyfully and peacefully live life in faith. But another end of the spectrum exists: choosing to ignore the possible consequences of acting and choosing not to act to the point of failing to have an impact.

The strangest of Jesus' parables, in my opinion, is recorded in Luke 16:

Jesus told his disciples: "There was a rich man whose manager was accused of wasting his possessions. So he called him in and asked him, 'What is this I hear about you? Give an account of your management, because you cannot be manager any longer.' The manager said to himself, 'What shall I do now? My master is taking away my job. I'm not strong enough to dig, and I'm ashamed to beg. I know what I'll do so that, when I lose my job here, people will welcome me into their houses.' So he called in each one of his master's debtors. He asked the first, 'How much do you owe my master?' 'Eight hundred gallons of olive oil,' he replied. The manager told him, 'Take your bill, sit down quickly, and make it four hundred.' Then he asked the second, 'And how much do you owe? 'A thousand bushels of wheat,' he replied. He told him, 'Take your bill and make it eight hundred.' The master commended the dishonest manager because he had acted shrewdly. For the people of this world are more shrewd in dealing with their own kind than are the people of the light. I tell you, use worldly wealth to gain friends for yourselves, so that when it is gone, you will be welcomed into eternal dwellings."

The most difficult part of the parable is getting past the master's praise of the manager's dishonesty. Abusing the resources God has entrusted to us is clearly wrong, but ultimately abuse is not what is discussed in the parable. The reason the manager is a positive example is because he was using the resources ntrusted to him for the right reason: showing love to others. Instead of hording the worldly wealth, the manager seeks the best ways to serve others, leading to positive relationships. Vital to the passage is the sense of urgency: the manager is forced to immediately take notice of his resources and do whatever possible with them.

This is a call to self-examination and a shrewd use of resources that goes against the common sedated attitudes. Youth are often especially unaware of the worldly resources God has given them; for example, I've still failed to compile even a rough list of the various college accounts and savings bonds saved for my college education, and I only have a year left in college! Taking inventory often gives a realization of how much more can be given beyond tithing to the church to spending time with new acquaintances paying for those who would be unable to attend activities like retreats and conferences to be able to participate in the growing and training. Of course the application isn't limited to money: Is your house in a central location for friendships? Do you have relatives with places perfect for get-togethers? Are there people that you know that can give you and a new friend a special deal for a lunch or a round of golf? These resources should certainly be acknowledged.

Making the best use of them involves having an attitude of urgency. The lackadaisical worldly attitude of playing video games and TV must be the first thing surpassed because we have a limited amount of time and know our resources are called for use by the Kingdom. Considering the examples of my sports teams have been instrumental in my own thoughts of this urgency because even the smallest lack of focus and will can make the largest difference in the outcomes. In fulfilling the most exciting and fulfilling mission to ever enter this earth, we can't hold anything back.

"Loser" by Switchfoot

Only the losers win. They've got nothing to prove; they'll leave the world with nothing to lose.
You can laugh at the weirdoes now. Wait 'til wrongs are right: They'll be the ones with nothing to hide.

'Cause I've been thinking, thinking: I've got a plan to lose it all; I've got a contract pending on eternity. If I haven't already given it away, I've got a plan to lose it all.

I've been the burnout kid; I've been the idiot. I'll turn the other cheek to be hit. You can take what you want from me, empty me 'til I'm depleted. I'll be around if I'm ever needed.

I wrote this song for you to show how I'm selling out. I'll take the benefit of the doubt.

Holy McDonald's? Holy Crap! Holy Crap?

This entry was originally published at www.xanga.com/redroadhome on 6/23/06.

During a summer when most people in my age and position are interning in their field with the hopes of the experience leading to an excellent job, I’m working at McDonald’s. In a house in which the majority of residents are female and hold positions at trendy stores selling stylish clothing, I’m working in an 80+ degree environment greasing- and sweating-up the same two uniforms four days a week. When most of my friends are hanging out until after one and sleeping as late as possible before running to work at nine or ten, I’m waking up at 5:30 and 6:30 to start making breakfast for the folks who want fast food early (no comment on the bedtimes). And I love it: I’m so thankful for the opportunity.

I didn’t just jump into any McDonald’s. I’ve spent five weeks working at the one in Ocean City, New Jersey: a beach, according to some, that is the best family vacation spot in the United States. We’re the only fast food restaurant on the island and definitely cheaper than almost any other restaurant in the area – I’d take a value meal over two slices of pizza on the boardwalk any day. People make a big deal when a McDonald’s sells $1000 of food in an hour – rarely happens – well we did three $1000 hours in four out of four this past Saturday, one of them over $1600. We’re good.

The orders are often hilarious. The cashiers have never ceased to amaze us folks in back with creative orders that often include things we don’t even sell: add sesame bagel? We don’t carry ham to put on sandwiches. No, you didn’t need to say “No Mayo” for the double cheeseburger because it doesn’t come with any! The additions and subtractions people come up with are wondrous: “I’d like an Egg McMuffin with a biscuit instead of a muffin, no cheese, and sausage instead of Canadian bacon.” You mean a sausage and egg biscuit? “I’d like a grilled chicken BLT without bacon, lettuce, or tomato.” So you lied to me about the BLT part? “Could I have a cheeseburger without a burger and no mustard, ketchup, pickles, or onions?” Couldn’t you have just made grilled cheese at home?

The employees are always enjoyable. Some are college students like me. Edmund can make anything funny just by laughing at it: it’s contagious. Luke’s studying to be a doctor, which is really scary, because he’s always late and out of it – always cool as a cucumber, which is not so good when cucumbers don’t make sandwiches or perform surgeries very effectively. Ben’s a professional – count on him to get anything necessary done; badmouth his work and you’ll never hear the end of it; put a nonChristian manager around him and they’ll be talking about the gospel in less than 20 (these Campus Crusade folks don’t mess around). Myrick knows how you’re feeling and always has the right suggestions: he’s not afraid to tell people to chill, forget about things, focus, or accidentally break nuggets in half so he has an excuse to eat them. We’re all just here for the summer, so we’ve been entertaining ourselves with crazy sandwich concoctions that all include extra mac sauce, synchronized sandwich making, hiding runts (pieces of fried chicken too small to serve) where they’re not supposed to be, generally supporting each other in Christian love.

The real backbones of the work area have been working there for years. The main manager, Debbie, is the most fun to work with: her rambling will get even the most serious or tired person cracking up in five minutes flat. Maxie’s a shift manager who would be the one person who could most likely run the entire store by himself if nobody else showed up. (I quite enjoyed the 3:00-3:30pm period when it was just me and him in the back. He was tearing through the sandwiches as fast as possible and I was running like a madman between the grill and the back wall throwing down beef to cook and chicken to fry.) Skip is an smaller older guy who always seems to be in a state of controlled hyperness: funny voices and sandwich making faster than the eye can follow abound. People who don’t speak Bruce-ese can barely understand a word Bruce speaks, but he’s very supportive and loves running up and down the store with milkshake mix and salads and dehydrated onions and leaf lettuce and blocks of cheese and everything else people up front could ever want or need. And Steve’s a black dude who can’t keep his mouth shut 'bout ‘nuthin, which gets him in trouble quite a bit. But he’s always right, and he’s darn good at putting sandwiches together, 'specially during breakfast.

The work has been very educational. Teamwork is the backbone: usually six folks are in back, and if people aren’t caring about their work and paying attention to what other people are doing and fitting in holes and fulfilling special needs, things fall apart. Communication is essential – it provides not only the passing on of needs and hunches, but also some necessary entertainment and encouragement, lightening the mood and letting others know that you’re in this with them. Trust benefits the entire team: more jobs exist than people, so workers have to take risks in letting go of their normal responsibilities for a short time to do other things. Without trust this doesn’t work because workers are insecure and don’t want to be yelled at if things appear to start to fall apart, but when workers know their capabilities and step out to help and others trust them in that, more is accomplished. And such challenges and risk-taking make the job worthwhile: a sense of achievement and purpose comes into being when a worker does more than necessary, others support them in that and appreciate them for it, and the organization benefits.

My favorite time at work was during lunch about a week ago. One person didn’t show up for work and one person went on break, so there were five of us in back during a very busy time. Four people were making sandwiches, two on each side of the table, and I was left to do grill and back wall – a debatably impossible job, especially in support of two full sandwich lines. But our team was determined to do this after four weeks of experience together; the others trusted me and let me know what they needed. And I just plain embraced the challenge of running back and forth from one side of the table to the other, keeping track of what was down and how long it would be before it needed to come up and trying to be there when it did, put it in a tray, and get it up in the racks as fast as possible for the others to use it. Throw sixteen pieces of reg meat down, throw twelve pieces of quarter down, pull up the reg and put it in the racks, run across and throw two bags of nuggets and two bags of strips down, the quarters are done – run back across and pull those up and put them in the racks, do two more runs of reg meat – thirty two pieces, pull them and run to get the nuggets and strips. And people are filling the lobby and the guys on table are yelling and joking and God’s offering a unbelievable peace and joy in a place not many people would look for it.

That’s a lot of details about my work, but explaining my work experience certainly isn’t my reason for writing this entry. Let’s spice it up with some Bible covenant talk: “I [God] will make you [Abram] into a great nation, and I will bless you; I will make your name great, and you will be a blessing. I will bless those who bless you, and whoever curses you I will curse; and all the peoples on earth will be blessed through you” (Genesis 12:2-3). Reoccurring theme throughout the Bible: God blessing His people, not just for blessing’s sake, but so that they will be a blessing to everyone around them. David prayed to better know God’s salvation so he could “teach transgressors [God’s] ways, and [help] sinners turn back to you” (Psalm 51). “God gave knowledge and understanding” to Daniel and his friends and used them to bring praise to bring Babylonian kings to bow before Him. And on and on.

So how do I pass my experiences on? What can I do to help you gain from the blessings God has so faithfully poured out on me? Is this journal entry a blessing to you? I seriously doubt more than 2-3 people really gain anything from it. Do I write a Fast Food devotional marketed for high school students and takes these experiences and literally and symbolically relates them to Bible passages for growth? Should I write a corny song about the people I got to know and the lessons I learned that would maybe sound decent enough to get some attention in hopes that someone would care enough to ask about the lyrics? But isn’t it simply unfaithful for me to sit on this and not talk enthusiastically about God’s work, even if it’s at McDonald’s?

And I only say even at McDonald’s as a transition, because such a place is no further away from God and has no worse employees than any other place. We hope that we have more “potential” than to end up working somewhere like that, and we therefore need to redefine our views. Bruce and Skip and Steve and Debbie and Maxie are amazing people and employees and would have done excellently working anywhere, had the opportunities arisen. It amazes me that I can say that, if it comes to that, I would have no problem working at such a place for the rest of my life – I wouldn’t consider myself a failure, because I’ve come to see that people there are just as capable and real and caring as people in any other area of life who just happened to end up there.

I’d like to issue a thank you to Lizz for requesting more reflections, and an apology that this whole scrambled thing seemed to pop out. Hopefully whoever reads it can make something of jumbled thoughts about quick-service restaurants and reflections on making the everyday mundane a blessing to all peoples.

Ocean City Beach Bum

This entry was first published at www.xanga.com/redroadhome on 6/29/06.

It's been a summer of new experiences. I had never been called "sandy" before tonight. The label came from a girl who was standing in the driveway of the house in which her family was staying as I walked home from the beach. A group of about fifteen of the people involved in the Coalition for Christian Outreach's Ocean City Beach Project had congregated at the beach after meeting in our "Spiritual Formation Groups" to chat and sing some songs of praise. Had never played guitar beside the ocean before, especially not on a hazy evening that made the lights of the amusement park and shops by the beach that much more illuminating. After about an hour people started heading back to the house, some in groups, some individually. I stuck around for a while and eventually mozied the four blocks by myself, my back covered in sand and my heart jumping with tired amazement. Big picture: little guy sitting during a big summer opportunity on a bigger beach in front of a bigger ocean that was all made possible by the biggest God.

Sitting before an apparently endless stretch of water continually lapping against land reminded me of our discussion of the nature of God's salvation in class last night: how God repeatedly illustrates His love in sacrificing of Himself to bless humanity. In Exodus 17, the Israelites bring a charge against Moses that could involve stoning. The word often translated "quarreled" is a legal term - in the day of the Israelite Judges, a person would bring a similar quarrel about another person before a judge. If the person were convicted, the judge may have personally punished the person with his staff, from which the gavel descended, or, if the crime involved blasphemy, adultery, sorcery, disobedience to parents, or genocide, the person would have been stoned. The Israelites accusation in Exodus 17: genocide - killing off the entire race of Israelites by leading them out of Egypt into the desert.

In reality, their quarrel is not with Moses, but with God, which Moses points out to them in verse two. But God's actions, instead of revealing a judging anger, as some may expect in the Old Testament, are pure grace. The Lord constructs a court setting, making Moses the judge in front with the staff, the elders similar to a jury, the people the prosecution, and as they all approach the rock, God, in his cloud, is present as the defendant. Instead of extended arguments describing accusations and defense, God�s instructions are simple: with the "god-judging" staff empowered by Himself to "kill" Egypt's god of the Nile in turning it to blood, strike the rock that may have even been inside God�s cloud so that life-giving water will pour out from it. No fairness in sight: simply self-sacrificing love.

A similar situation is presented in Genesis 15. To understand the significance of this passage also requires some historical background. In those days, when a smaller country was conquered by a larger one, the king of the larger one would force the leader of the smaller one into a covenant. The terms of the covenant were generally that the smaller nation would provide the larger nation with certain resources, and in turn the larger nation would prevent other nations from wiping out the leader's nation. This really wasn't the fair deal it may sound like today - in essence, the larger nation plundered the smaller nation every year without using an army. But as a part of making the covenant, the larger nation's king would command that a number of his foreign slaves be butchered, cut up into pieces and placed in two rows. Then the conquered nation's leader would walk through the rows in recognition that, if he were to break the treaty, the same would happen to him and his people.

Well in Genesis 15, Abraham is praised for his faith but appears also to lack some: he wants confirmation that what the Lord has promised will come about. So God sets up a similar situation, promising Abraham certain things about his descendants. Abraham, in cutting up the animals, would have recognized the setup and have expected to walk through, as the weaker one, in promising obedience to God so that the terms of the covenant would be fulfilled. Instead, God Himself walks through, expressing "May I be cursed if these things do not come true."

And the waves of grace continue to flow. God provided everything necessary to free the Israelites from bondage and sustain them through the desert, to bring about the fulfillment of His promises to Abraham, and, ultimately, to provide a just way for sins to be forgiven through Jesus Christ. If you're looking at salvation in a way that puts you at the center, wake up - this great and mighty God is so full of love that He has given and continues to give you more than you ever have or could deserve. Recognize the waves of grace that flowed throughout Scripture and continue to flow in your life and the lives of those around you, and know that behind them is an ocean: an infinite, awesome, powerful God that is worthy of all our worship and all our praise. Enjoy Him.

For a lot of people, the worst part about going to beach is the sand, which has a tendency to get in and on everything. Beachgoers complain about it and do their best to protect their belongings by placing them in bags, showering them in water, and always being careful. My tendency: get as much sand on my possessions as I possibly can. I want to remember this summer, to have it be a part of me forever; may the truths learned and inspirations felt here be like grains of sand washed up by the Mighty Ocean that permeate everything I bring before Him.

In front of our house, there's a dirty old fire hydrant. Whenever an emergency arises, some people use the usually-ignored object with fading paint to splash just enough water to postpone a disaster until next time. I can't help but seeing American society as trying to bottle-up such grace, such a God-centered view of salvation unless it's absolutely necessary, as in when twin towers fall. On the other side of the street is a large stone cross surrounded by flowers. May God be forever praised for providing an eternal foundation for salvation from which beautiful, fulfilling life spreads. And may we ever view God not as One who is only there for emergencies and is otherwise an ugly obstruction to life, but instead as the One that authors and completes the work of faith in the lives of those who rebelled against Him and deserved His wrath. Soli Deo Gloria.

Dreamlike Reality

This entry was originally published at www.xanga.com/redroadhome on 8/8/06.

His faithfulness absolutely stretches to the sky. Excited to get to share some examples of it from the past couple days.

On the spectrum of preparedness, I most often fall on the worrying side: my failures to tread the fine line between unpreparedness and overpreparedness usually come in the form of worrying about a lack of preparation instead of chillaxing to the point of wasting opportunities and being an unfaithful steward. Unfortunately I was somehow cut in two and placed on both ends of that spectrum regarding my trip home last Saturday: I burdened some folks with my worries about how far the drive was and how little sleep I had gotten and how loud my car was, and I burdened others with not acting quickly to work out who I was taking home and who would have to catch a ride with someone else. Sad that such a great summer would end on such a disobedient note – still have a long, long, long, long, long, long, long way to go, I guess.

But God faithfully worked things out. He helped me stay awake, allowed me to enjoy a getting to know Jessica better, provided some Starbucksage, got me home with only a few directions, and encouraged me with the news that Kelsey and Lizz had a good ride back. The super jackpot: getting to spend three weeks taking care of Lydia’s plant Glory, jiggling Jess’s bag of sea shells, and using Hannah’s fan. I made it back, safe and sound, to the best state in the Union after ten hours of driving and eight weeks of enlightenment. I even got to catch dinner and a pizza with my dad before sleeping for eleven hours.

One of the first things people asked about me coming home was, “What are your plans?” I could only answer that I had a heck of a lot of no plans – certainly not a good thing. The danger: cramming a summer’s worth of video games in three weeks. But availability can be just as much a blessing as a curse. My prayer: give me opportunities and don’t let me miss them or ignore them. Paint them on bulletin boards; knock me over the head with them; do whatever you need to do to make me make the most of this time. Funny that that prayer would not have been possible without Lizz: praise God for how much she has to offer and teach and how willing she is to learn and be used.

Church, bright and early Sunday morning. Walk in, grab a bulletin, start to look at the first announcement, and see that the junior highers are going to Geauga Lake, an amusement park, the next day and are still looking for chaperones. While I’m doing this, Andrew Baumgart comes over and starts a conversation. I spent my early high school days in youth group with Andrew. He graduated, spent a couple years in the Navy, and actually was homeless for a while before coming back home to live with his parents. I hope the opportunity to catch up was as much a blessing for him as it was for me. Dereck Holben popped in near the end of the conversation, in just enough time before the service started for me to tell him to, since he was going to be leading worship with the junior highers, let Carl, their leader, know that I was interested in going to Geauga Lake. So within fifteen minutes of doing the first thing since I had been home, I was blessed with a great conversation with an old friend and an activity to look forward to the next day.

Monday was just as full of blessings: got to ride up with Josh, who was my closest friend throughout high school. Now a married man, I got to soak up some of his wisdom and passion (and hope that I’ll be able to continue to do so while I’m home). I enjoyed a day of rollercoasters, notably the junior high girls screaming and Carl posing. The best blessing of the day, though: running into Lindsay Reedy, a girl I had just spent eight weeks with two whole states away. Appropriate roles: always the aware pursuer, she jumped through her group of friends from high school and got awoke me from my need-to-pee-and-get-back-to-my-group stupor. Darn amazing to turn around and see someone you weren’t even sure you were ever going to see again only a little over two days later. And a darn exciting reminder that those eight weeks weren’t a dream that are going to stand alone in time and space: they’re here to stay, with their friendships and lessons and joy.

What else can I do but worship? Glory be to the One who so faithfully provides strength for the weary, opportunities for the available, and reminders for those likely to stray. How exciting would it be to be so faithful, so loving. I hear that He’s working on that in me. Thank goodness He’s darn powerful.

Enjoying opportunities on the Red Road and glimpses of Home.

The Forming Five

Originally published at www.xanga.com/redroadhome on 8/13/06.

Some things change, but some things never do.

Once upon a time, the forming five would fill evenings with fun. Gathering at the Cline residence, John, Josh, Michael, Dereck and I would battle it out in Risk while chowing on some chips and guzzling coffee. Battles would be won and lost, life at Hoover High School would be dissected and scrutinized, and the Lord Most High would be embarrassed at our immaturity and excited for our promise. The strong-willed would even remain awake for some Family Guy episodes afterwards. (For those who don�t know me well, I certainly abstained from the coffee and Family Guy aspects of the get-togethers).

The five reformed this evening, an older group. The setting was the Cline's, but the activities forced us to move outside - we sometime traded Risk for conversation, chips for cigars, and coffee for Sam Adams. The high school conversations were so far gone that they weren't even missed. Instead, we heard about Josh's married life, John's time in Columbus, my experiences in New Jersey, Dereck's excitement about driving a new orange Acura to Pittsburgh, and Mike�s amazing growth throughout the summer.

A changed group, but my helplessness remained. Don't get me wrong - I love the guys and enjoy every minute of life we get to share together. There's simply a communication block, an inability to express the joy I've felt and the lessons I've learned throughout the summer, a helplessness in trying to weave my own excitement and morals in the conversation. So I sit back in quiet amazement at the blessings of others� sharing, the stories that bring laughs to the mouth, memories to the mind, and praise to the hearts of the five intimately connected manly men, sitting around a deck table on a peaceful, sixty degree summer night smoking cigars and downing some Summer Ale. As John gets more and more confused and upset at my silence. (For the record, only four are actually manly men - I'm not quite macho enough to participate in the smoking or drinking. But doing that stuff second-hand is supposed to be more intense anyway, right?)

We've certainly progressed in age, but I can't help but think that, in the larger scheme of things, we really haven't gotten very far. Sure, different jobs, different schools, different girls, but... We'd like to pretend this was a meeting of Christian legends, a group of guys who grew up together and all significantly affected the spiritual landscape of the nation. We recognized the blessings of a great church background, God's gifts in us and His Spirit working through us. And we tried not to forget to be faithful in even the smallest things to which we were called so that He would entrust greater things to our care. The line between childish dreams and Godly hope is too often skewed.

I returned home pondering the situation and doubting much substance would ever come to the five reforming as those who could truly say that they all impacted the nation, made a true difference for the Kingdom. Praise God that people know me well enough to be "trained not to believe [my] pessimism." The problem isn't necessarily our faithfulness - it's my dream. Returning home to an email from a close friend who's grown so inexpressibly much over the past year was the best reminder possible that God cares for and works through individuals. What a shepherd, to seek after the one who is lost, to lead each one through green pastures and beside quiet waters. And I sit in amazement and joy at being able to witness the work: to see God transforming Mike and Deanna and Josh and Kim and Dereck and John, to be invited to participate in each of their lives and be encouraged by what God's calling them to, to be used, even in the smallest ways, to spur these individuals on towards a life of glorious sacrifice for the One who's worthy.

In this fallen world, so much changes, some for better, some for worse, but even in our skewed dreams and frustrating weaknesses, God's love remains constant: constantly sacrificially individually intimately delightful.

Real Emotion

Originally published at www.xanga.com/redroadhome on 8/22/06.

Heartlessness. Just returned from seeing Disney�s portrayal of that quite literally in Pirates II's Davy Jones. Funny that someone so cartoonishly unrealistic would be the character to whom I can relate on the deepest level. In the movie, we learn that Davy rids himself of his heart because of the emotional pain caused by his relationship with his beloved. In ridding himself of his heart, he escaped the pain and allowed himself to become the ruthless controller of the seas.

Fortunately, the process seems to be going to opposite direction in me. Flash back to over two years ago during our week-long InterVarsity retreat at Cedar Campus in Michigan's upper peninsula: In spending hours upon hours with Sarah, Tim, and Rachel getting to know each other and planning for the upcoming year, I certainly grew to appreciate the unique characteristics each brought to the team. Sarah was particularly emotional, showing pieces of pure passion and pure joy and pure sorrow at different points throughout the week, all usually accompanied by tears. One night as Sarah, Tim, and I returned to the cabin, we took a twenty yard detour to the shore of Lake Huron and were awestruck by the beauty of the stars sprinkled throughout the darkest palette above water at peace, crickets chirping away and the brisk air slow dancing with the leaves. Sarah started crying and relayed some frustration at her tears throughout the week.

That reaction led to an important realization within me: that her frustration was ridiculous because her emotions were valuable, even vital to her identity as a substantial, real, down-to-earth, passionate child of the Most High. The problem with that conclusion for me was almost immediately obvious: that it was unusual for me to experience any noticeable emotion, a fact about which I was even sometimes proud. At that point I hadn't cried in over three years, seldom looked forward to anything, and struggled through life because I entered into work with dread and without passion. I ignorantly looked on the bright side: I never struggled with worry or doubt or fear. To people who didn't understand, I actually tried to explain the situation with the heartless allegory: I wasn't coldly murdering people or viciously destroying property around me - I simply didn't have any notable emotional senses.

So you can imagine my surprise when two years later at the same retreat, the song most often in my head was Audio Adrenaline's "Are You Ready for Love?": "Are you ready for love? Are you ready for true emotion? Are you too comfortable to join the revolution?" And unfortunately, those questions were more difficult to answer than they should have been. I was jealous of Sarah�s greater ability to relate and love and feel and give for sure, but it wasn't me - I was the quiet, aloof wanderer who was never brought down by attachments to others or things. In some ways it allowed her to better minister, sure, but I was okay with that. I was comfortable. It took a lot of my own stagnancy in comfort and God's work through others in their passion to truly be able to pray, "God, please give me a heart that loves fully, that fully feels everything from the deepest pains and to the greatest joys and is truly always open to vulnerability and community and emotion."

Don't laugh too hard, but it's been a scary experience - I'm often tempted to return to a life of playing computer games in a closet, exiting long enough to get A's in school, look respectable, and stuff my face. Easy. And utterly worthless. Davy rid himself of pain when he hid his heart, but he also gave up something absolutely central to his life. I'm not always convinced that the positive experiences and emotions outweigh the negative, but I'm finding that, either way, entering into and responding to circumstances emotionally is a central part of experiencing life. Please pray that I would continue to grow in refusing to run from situations of which I'm afraid or uncomfortable and instead share the Creator's grieving and laughing over the current state of His world.

Thankfulfullness

Published on my Xanga on Tuesday, November 28, 2006.

Thanksgiving: I challenge you to journey beyond the question, "For what are you thankful?" to face the challenge, "For what are you not thankful?" And I certainly don't mean to detract from the opportunity to appreciate life's little blessings that are too often pushed behind the curtain of the demands of the Schedule, nor do I want to replace any thoughts about what it means to have a genuinely grateful attitude. But the bottom line is that God calls us to not to give thanks in some, or many, or even most, but in all circumstances (1 Thessalonians 5:18). Especially in such an important area, succeeding in 99% of your life means failing in 100% of it - we're all aware about how much power one or two things have to drag down and destroy.

Not approaching the Provider with an attitude of gratefulness because of ignorance or apathy or unintentionality is tragic, but determinedly holding onto an attitude of unthankfulness is horrific. Buried into each life are horrors that haunt, regrets that immediately trigger shocks of pain. But embracing pity parties when such memories surface and "hopeless" situations arise is blatantly wrong. Because in so doing, you pound an "Ignore" stamp on all of God's promises, an "Irrelevant" stamp on your relationship with Him, and an "Idiot" stamp on your own forehead.

Sure, you can easily let this slip by, not wanting to address such issues or initially refusing to believe that you'd ever embrace pain over something better, beyond. Maybe I'm the only one who in cases perversely takes pleasure in pain and pitifulness, encouraging memories to haunt and regrets to fluster and frustrate. But I doubt it.

Paul's letters to the Corinthians are certainly some of the most awkward books of the Bible. Their relationship must have been pretty bizarre, because Paul is always clarifying and restating and referring to past actions and words. But he doesn't give up or give in. At one point in 2 Corinthians after some such clarifying, he chooses to say, "Even if I caused you sorrow by my letter, I do not regret it. Though I did regret it - I see that my letter hurt you, but only for a little while - yet now I am happy, not because you were made sorry, but because your sorrow led you to repentance."

For one as socially inept as I, awkward relationships with people I care about that I end up hurting are the worst, and I can't imagine causing such pain through both challenging communication and misunderstandings. The hauntingness would almost certainly permanently pull me away from any interactions with them. But Paul is persistent and prays for eyes to see how God would bring about good in something such as that. And he sees it, and claims it, and allows God to turn regrets of negatives into thanksgivings for positives.

Just one simple example that I ran into this semester - it's not the biggest deal, but don't minimize it either: it's Paul's relationship with a large and in-charge Gentile church that he strove to love as God loved, even with regrets and pain and confusion. Choose to pray for eyes to see God's work and claim the good that He faithfully brought about from the most difficult and complicated situations. "What God has not protected you from, He is perfecting you through."

The Source of Good Moral Standards

I wrote the following essay to complete an open-ended assignment for my Introduction to Philosophy class. I have two concerns with posting it: one is that people will skim it or only read parts of it and thereby do an injustice to the material discussed within it; two is that people will read it and accept is as truth. Please do neither - enter into it thoughtfully, read it in its entirety, and use it as a diving board into God's deep ocean of truth. Prayers for a decent grade are also appreciated.

James Rachels never answers the question that serves as the title for his essay, “Must God’s Commands Conform to Moral Standards?”, but only states what he sees as the ultimate conundrum: “we must either regard God’s commands as arbitrary, and give up the doctrine of the goodness of God, or admit that there is a standard of right and wrong that is independent of his will, and give up the theological definitions of right and wrong” (4). He reaches this inconclusive conclusion by examining the two options offered about piety in the Euthyphro, in which Socrates addresses the question, “Is conduct right because the gods command it, or do the gods command it because it is right?” According to Rachels, the problem with the first option, called the Divine Command Theory, is that the lack of rightness and wrongness before the issuance of God’s commands makes them arbitrary and not good (3). He finds equally troubling consequences to the second option in rejecting traditional theological considerations of right and wrong because they exist completely apart from God (4). But throughout Rachels’ discussion, he fails to mention some key attributes of God, namely the beginningless existence of the Holy Trinity, its role in the creation of the universe, and its love for the human race, which all indicate that God is the source of Good Moral Standards.

The Christian doctrine of the Trinity states that God exists in three persons that make up one being that unchangingly was, is, and will be from eternity to eternity. Inherent in God’s existence is goodness and holiness in the sense that the three persons in the Godhead have always and will always enjoy a peaceful and dynamic existence centered around each other. Dr. Timothy J. Keller describes the nature of the Trinity like this: “The Father, the Son, the Holy Spirit are characterized in their very essence by mutually self-giving love…. Each person in the Godhead does not insist that any of the others revolve around them, but rather they center on one another, they glorify one another, they adore one another, they serve one another, they defer to one another, they put the interests of the other over their own interests” (“Father, Son, and Holy Spirit”). In this existence is only good and no bad, only holiness and no sin, but the lack of the presence of the negative does not negate the positiveness of the positive. The members of the Godhead did not submit to an even more weighty and eternal charter of righteousness to make their actions right, nor did their acting in a certain way induct that action into a compilation of right actions, but righteousness and the ways of God were inseparable. This ultimate and eternal reality is the source of all other existence.

Assuming that this holy Trinity exists and created the universe, it is natural to believe that the world is designed to perfectly reflect the same mutually self-giving love. Life in the Garden of Eden is presented as a paradise where evil is unknown and nonexistent and all things live in harmonious equilibrium. Although God’s commands were not stated, they were naturally followed because it was the nature of His creation, and the full implementation of His right ways allowed for the fullness of right existence. In creating humans in His image, the Godhead imparted an innate knowledge of rightness: the fact that people seek and follow it “show that the requirements of the law are written on their hearts, their consciences also bearing witness” (Romans 2:15). The natural fulfillment of God’s ways was broken in Eve and Adam’s rebellion against God – they came to know good and evil and brought a curse upon life on earth – but the world’s design continues to plead for God’s ways. It is because of this design that inserting other authorities into Socrates’ question about piety (“Is conduct right because parents command it, or do parents command it because it is right? Is conduct right because society commands it, or does society command it because it is right?) leads one to the second conclusion, but this answer is incorrect in a God-context because the definition of right in this world has its source in His righteousness.

God, the eternal Trinity, the Creator and Sustainer of the universe, did not respond to the rebellion of the human race in wrath, but has patiently and lovingly sought after the redemption of the world. With the goal being for humans to enjoy existence fully in completely following His holy ways, in totally obeying the moral standards that have their source in the timeless reality of God’s love, He provided prophets and a Messiah, words of Truth and miracles of power, laws of righteousness and a story of love. The three members of the Godhead who selflessly have revolved around each other in good existence from eternity and desire a similar good existence for humanity do not give commands and laws arbitrarily but remain faithful to their nature in requiring what sets aside selfishness and seeks the betterment of others. Rachels’ argument that God’s command could have just as easily made lying right as honesty ignores who God is and that righteousness and His nature are inseparable. God’s commands reflect His ways and do not define what is right, but reflect the rightness that He is and that He created. It is in view of His loving and truthful nature that we can trust that His commands are good and right to follow because they reflect how this world is designed to operate.

All of the confusing objections surrounding Socrates’ discussion of piety can lead to one reassuring conclusion. The problem with saying conduct is right because God commands surround the fact that the source is God’s command. The problem with saying that God commands what is right surrounds piety’s existence apart from God. The implications of these problems are severe, but those issues can be solved by saying that conduct is right because it aligns with God’s Essence, the ultimate reality, the source of creation. And knowing that His essence is with some oversimplification selfless joyful love, those seeking to live a pious life can be confident that it exists in orbiting around others rather than demanding that they orbit around them.

Holy Bible, New International Version. Nashville: Boardman, 1984.

Keller, Tim. “Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.” Sermon. Hunter College Auditorium, Redeemer Presbyterian Church, New York City, New York. 15 Jan. 2006

Rachels, James. “Must God’s Commands Conform to Moral Standards?”

Fulfillment

Tim Keller:

Early Christians in Rome had neighbors, and can you imagine this kind of conversation? This is really a conversation that could've easily happened.

The neighbor says, "Oh, you're a Christian. That's great. I love religion, all the pageantry, that's really wonderful. Where do you Christians go to temple? Where's your temple?

And the Christian would've said, "We don't have a temple. Jesus is our temple. He fulfilled it. He's the final temple. We don't need temples anymore.

And the neighbor would say, "You have no temple? Well where do your priests operate?

"We don't have priests," says the Christian." Jesus is our priest. He's the final priest, you see. He's put priests out of business. We don't need any mediators. He is the mediator."

"No temple. No priests. Where in the world do you do your sacrifices? Where do you do your rituals, the things that make you acceptable to God?"

And the Christian says, "Jesus is our sacrifice, so we don't have any more sacrifices."

Finally, the neighbor says, "What kind of a religion is this?"

And the Christian would say, "It's no kind of religion at all, because we didn't get a religion, we got a person."

Hungering for Jesus

The Wilderness: dangerous to the point of being deadly, burdensome to the point of being crushing, maze-like to the point of being impassible. It's not simply the desert Moses struggled to lead hundreds of thousands of Israelites through thousands of years ago - it's where you live, it's where your life takes you every day. The Promised Land is ahead, sometimes feeling closer and more present than others. We need God's help to sustain us in such a place. When He's more than willing to provide for us, why do we feel we need to manipulate Him into blessing us? When He is the One who satisfies, why do we look to so many other things for our fulfillment?

The majority of the crowd in John 6 exemplifies rocky soil: they "hear the word and at once receive it with joy. But since they have no root, they last only a short time. When trouble or persecution comes because of the word, they quickly fall away" (Mark 4:16-17). When Jesus miraculously provides them with more than enough food to satisfy their hunger, they quickly confess Jesus' greater authority and desire "to come and make Him a king by force" (John 6:14-15). When Jesus leaves, they don't relent until they find Him. But why?

Passionately following and appreciating Jesus is not a bad thing, but God is more concerned with the inward, the heart, than the outward actions. Jesus is unashamed to confront them when the crowd finds Him across the lake the next day: "'I tell you the truth, you are looking for me, not because you saw miraculous signs but because you ate the loaves and had your fill'" (John 6:26). Desire to give glory to God or appreciate Jesus is nowhere in sight, only self-centered desires for comfort and fulfillment.

If that's not bad enough, the crowd tries to manipulate Jesus into performing more miracles. While Jesus is confronting their wrong motivation and pointing them toward the meaning of His ministry, they can't stop thinking about its possibilities for benefiting them: When Jesus presents the core of the Gospel, saying "The work of God is this: to believe in the One He has sent," the crowd responds with something similar to, "Okay, we'll believe you if you give us another greater sign" - wink, wink; nudge, nudge (vv. 29-30). Even to the point of suggesting something like bread coming down from heaven (v. 31). How perverted is the desire to have God repeatedly prove Himself by blessing us; how ridiculous is it to strive to follow God only when it benefits us.

The irony of the situation is that God's already faithfully providing the greatest blessings and constantly working for our good. They're asking for something that's already been given - they just need their eyes opened to see it. Jesus' frustration is apparent: He's it - He's the sustaining and life-giving provision they desire; He's the miraculous and exciting and empowering sustenance they need. We need. When we go to God seeking selfish gain, we forfeit the fulfillment offered in knowing and following Him. May we humbly confess and repent of our pride and believe on the One who saves and changes and mends and sends, foremost for His glory, but also for our fulfillment and enjoyment.

Dancing to the Beat: A Head, Heart, Hands Approach to Leadership

Last weekend, I, alongside two-thousand other college students, attended a conference called Jubilee in Pittsburgh sponsored by the Coalition for Christian Outreach. The forty-eight exciting hours were filled with nationally-renowned speakers and popular bands, with thoughtful artwork and close friends, but the aspect of the conference that has become the most important part of me is unexpectedly simple: an image of a drummer. Maybe I respected him because, although I play piano and guitar fairly well, drums will always be outside my expertise; maybe I admired with him because of his willingness to take a role in leading a primarily-Caucasian conference as an African-American; and maybe I was drawn to him because he was just that good at playing drums. Whatever the reason, I claim him as a picture of the leader I strive to be: one who utilizes all of himself to create an enjoyable, consistent beat that purposefully drives others from one place to another.

Just as the drummer’s emotional contribution to the modern worship songs and traditional hymns revealed a deeper source, so do I strive to found my leadership on a heart of passion and integrity. Growing up as a shy, often-detached introvert, my immature leadership desperately needed to learn to adopt and funnel emotion to help inspire others’ enthusiasm, and what better way to do so than to be led to volunteer with junior high and high school students. My first opportunity to lead the music at a week-long youth retreat was met with confusion and disappointment, as the youth pastor retook the reigns less than halfway through the week. It didn’t take me long to notice that, although I was a better musician and more thoughtful administrator, his passion carried over into the students’ worship and touched them in ways beyond me. Becoming more real and enthusiastic in music took time, but it was much easier than applying similar principles in other leadership settings. Students in junior high have little-to-no trouble sitting down to sing, but remaining involved in a forty-five minute lesson is another matter entirely: soap-box lectures and surface-level excitement are recognized and disregarded almost immediately. This helped to reveal the necessity of integrity: others’ enthusiasm isn’t earned by fake passion, and others’ respect isn’t deserved if plans aren’t built and work isn’t accomplished ethically. Leadership founded in a heart of pure passion directed by intentional integrity is one-third of the way towards success.

Just as the drummer’s mastery of technique enabled him to flawlessly and immediately translate thoughts to beats, so do I strive to lead with a head grounded in logic and humility to the point that vision effectively translates to action. Fall 2004 marked the beginning of my service learning experience with Washington County Health Partners, and I entered under the agreement that I would work at the office one day a week to revamp a database of all of the organization’s contacts, the needs for which had evolved dramatically since its creation four years earlier. After gaining the initial information, I dove into the work with a clear vision for what the database should become. It unfortunately took me a long time to realize that, although I had succeeded in understanding what needed to be done, I had failed in thinking through the best steps to accomplish the goals. While I was pondering my disorganized advances, the employees of the organization were wondering about my progress. I eventually improved the structure of the project and developed better lines of communication with those for whom I was working, lessons learned that I appreciate much more now than the knowledge gained about databases and non-profit organizations. Applying logical planning and humble communication to more-recent leadership activities has been paramount: the envisioned results for last year’s junior high retreat to Johnstown or this year’s Thirty-Hour Famine could have never been achieved without the willingness to share opinions, compromise on ideas, and come to an approved strategy for approaching the event. Leadership conducted with a logical and humble head that takes time to plan and effort to incorporate others’ wisdom comes another third of the way towards success.

Just as the drummer’s hands were constantly involved in the creation of the envisioned music, so do I strive to lead as a fellow participant fighting for a common goal. Mentoring college students at Washington & Jefferson College is the most difficult job I’ve ever undertaken, not because of the unclear requirements and lack of accountability, but mainly because it involves trying to assist freshmen in an area in which they never asked for help. Too often, the communal attitude about Freshmen Forum quickly becomes, “This is pointless. Why am I being forced to do this?” Mentors who only see their role as to help the freshmen tolerate the activities and the course while maintaining a safe distance from the whole situation fail to lead the freshmen into an understanding of the learning environment at W&J. Incoming students have no need of more people to tell them to try to do their best and enjoy what they can – they need others to step up and show them what it means to enter into the discussion and be sovereign over their learning and be on the path towards a liberal education. Mentoring was the position I held where I was most tempted to remove myself from the project, to absolve myself of getting my hands dirty, but I thankfully realized that it was just the situation that needed my active participation the most. I devoted myself to attending class and keeping up with reading in hopes that students would have a model of continued learning and participation in the conversation. Right attitudes in the heart and thoughts in the head are vitally important when leading, but if they fail to translate into shared action with others’, the leadership is incomplete.

So many simple illustrations exist for exemplary leadership: those liking alliteration may hold to “Passion, Planning, and Participation;” people adept with pictures may choose “Heart, Head, and Hands;” idealists can support “Envisioning over Administering.” Some of the leaders who follow these most closely may see their projects fail, and others knowing less about leadership may enjoy their projects’ success. But whether the results are failure or success, I will be able to rest if I can, like the drummer, create a beat with a source of passion and integrity, a foundation of logic and humility, and an expression of shared participation. At the end of the day, leadership remains more difficult and complicated than any story or saying, and the only way to do it better is to do it more while learning from and applying past experiences.

The Lordness of Jesus

Tim Keller:

Here is another example: remember last week He says, "I forgive all your sins," and remember what we said that was? He was claiming that all sins were against Him. You can only forgive sins that are against you. So when he forgives a man all his sins, what He's saying is that "all your sins are against me."

Now what is He talking about? Over and over again, Jesus shows that all His self-consciousness, His understanding of who He is, is unprecendented. There is no one else - no human being who has ever walked the face of the earth that I know of has made anything like these kinds of claims. Honestly, you have to remember that there have been plenty of people who have said, "O, I am the divine consciousness," but they think of divinity as something that's in all of us, that's in the trees and in the human spirit. But Jesus understands that there's a God who is uncreated, who is beginningless, who is infinitely transcendent above this creation, who made this world, who keeps everything in this universe going with His pinkie, with His Word of Power, that all the molecules and all the stars and all the solar systems are being help up by the power of this God.

And Jesus Christ says, "that's who I am." And it's on every page, even in his off-handed comments. Like in Luke chapter 10 - it's a great place - there's a place in Luke 10 where Jesus is talking about demon-possession, and you know what He says? He says, "I saw Satan fall from heaven like lightning." What? You know what He just said? He says, "Yes, I remember back before the material universe was created. I saw Lucifer go bad. It was terrible. Yeah, I was around - I knew him." What?

There's another place in Matthew where He says - again, it's almost off-handed - "I keep sending you prophets and sages." What? He says, "Wait a minute. I don't say that I am one of the great prophets and sages that God has sent." No, He says, "I am the God who has been sending all of the prophets and sages. And He says, to prove it, to prove that that's how He understood, every prophet and every religious teacher and every sage and every wise-man or woman who's ever lived always said, "Thus saith the Lord." I defy you to find a place where Jesus ever says that. He never says that. Can you believe it? All Jesus ever says is - over and over again, all He says is, "Truly, truly I say unto you."

Jesus' self-consciousness is so off-the-mat, so over-the-top. It's very clear that he's absolutely saturated so that even His off-handed comments, even His footnotes, even His sidebars, everything He says, assumes that He is the unceasing, beginningless, transcendent, eternal Creator and Judge of the universe. And what are You going to do about it?

Torn

I'm wearing my favorite pair of jeans today. It's an old pair, from around the end of middle school or the beginning of high school, maybe seven or eight years ago. They're not what they used to be: when I was doing some mulching for one of my neighbors, a small hole near the back pocket turned into a small rip around the pocket, which turned into a large rip around the pocket, which has since evolved into a tear from the waist to my thigh (get your mind out of the gutter - I always wear athletic shorts underneath).

I'm feeling similarly torn lately. Like Nick Seagrave in yesterday's post: one moment horrified at the nail-pounding, the next whole-heartedly embracing it.

I'm frustrated with my failure to live primarily in God's Reality. It's been difficult to discover, through all my attempts to change from judging my standing by success to judging my standing by faithfulness and being content solely in being faithful, that I'm simply not faithful. That I'm torn between two Kingdoms that remain primarily unseen while of primary importance, so much so that everything thought, said, and done in this life has an effect upon my standing in them and between them.

I'm just praying that these torn feelings result in God's surgical sanctification instead of my own bufooning backsliding.

Comforting that my Savior can sympathize with these weaknesses and intercedes on my behalf. He remained committed to the Father's will while desiring a different path so much that his sweat was blood. His hands and feet were torn open by nails so that I wouldn't be eternally torn apart by God's wrath. And those holes aren't temporary. The church has been ordained to celebrate a remembrance feast to reflect upon Christ's death, but there won't be a need for communion in heaven: we'll be in Christ's presence and confronted with those scars firsthand, the holes from which the perfect precious blood of salvation and sacrifice flowed with grace.